I’ve been deep in thought for the last few days. Not posting much on social media, and just physically being quiet. Part of that I attribute to the side-effects of my meds (fatigue and stomach upset). The other part is processing how I’m feeling about acknowledging that I am an emotional eater. I wasn’t going to share this on my blog, but the writing is a good outlet for all that is going on in my brain.

Whenever I learn something new about myself, or acknowledge something that’s been there for awhile….I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I don’t have the words to write how deep the realization feels. When I’ve had an epiphany in the past about myself, I have felt rocked to my core, almost shaken. But this feels different. It’s made me very still and very thoughtful. The past few days I’ve been allowing my mind to gently and deliberately follow the train of my thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and the impact it has had on my emotional, mental, and physical health and wellness for the last several years. I’m not sure if “introspective” is an emotional descriptor, but this introspection feels deeply personal and raw.

I’ve been deflecting for years. I’ve always minimized it to myself by calling it “Stress Eating”. I eat in times of stress. I have specific food cravings in times of stress. I indulge in these specific foods when stressed because I feel I deserve it for enduring whatever stress has set these emotions off. I eat craving-specific foods when I’m not hungry. I eat craving-specific foods mostly when I’m tired. Overall, I have it in my mind that it will make me feel better. Add in the depression I’ve been experiencing since 2016 which one of the symptoms is a change in eating habits, and makes me vulnerable to stress. These are the hallmarks of emotional eating, but I could look away from that stress-inducing label by doing a swerve and believing it’s “only stress”. I told myself, “I’m not an emotional eater. I’m just a very busy mom and wife who has a high number of life stressors.” Lol. Seriously. That was my ever-present thought bubble.

I am being gentle with myself. That’s been part of the quietness. I disclosed my thoughts to my husband and while making meaningful eye contact with me, he just slowly nodded his head in agreement. He said he didn’t know how to bring it to my attention before, but he noticed how I used food to soothe my stress. He reminded me of how hard I can be on myself, and that he didn’t want me to beat myself up over this realization. That to heal from something I need to be gentle and give good care to myself.

In my current deep thought and quietness, looked through my past blog entries. All good stuff about nutrition, managing inflammation, depression recovery, diabetes, exercise, my 2 hip replacements, physical activity. However, I am still pre-diabetic. I am still on medication for depression. I am still not back to normal or consistent physical activity due to surgery and my most recent injury. I’m still processing my grief from losing my mom. And I know now that all of those wonderful tools that I’ve written about will not work for me consistently unless I address the elephant in the room. That elephant has a big sign on the side saying “Emotional Eating”. No amount of “keeping myself accountable” or “no excuses” or “willpower” or “staying busy” or “just think positive” will move the elephant out of my room. I believe that emotional eating is the root of many of my health issues, and that root will continue to sprout unhealthy weeds until I address it effectively. I need to take an unflinching look and a personal inventory on this part of myself. Personal wellness and healing is my journey. And although it still feels very raw, I’m grateful to have finally come to this knowledge about myself. I feel like I’m in a good place to start learning. I want to write about what I learn and how I implement the new knowledge, so I am going to use my blog to help me process.