As I sit here this morning doing a writing exercise with the sounds of Spongebob in the background, my thoughts drifted to when I learned how to write cursive. Sister Jacquelyn in 3rd grade at St. Alphonso’s taught us proper cursive penmanship. I had picked up some cursive writing in 2nd grade when we lived in Chicago and I attended Ascension school in Oak Park, but I started over in 3rd grade so I could learn the basics, the foundation of cursive writing technique. It was so much easier to write and learn when I had the opportunity to receive good teaching with others in my grade, instead of coming in behind everyone and trying to catch up as I did in Oak Park. 

I remember Sister Jacquelyn taught us to hold our pencils loosely so that our pencil would move easily with the curves of the letters. And she wondered how she would be able to check and see if we were doing that. I suggested that she go around the room while we did our writing exercises and pull on our pencils so she could see how tightly we were holding them. I remember writing and feeling her pull my pencil through my hand as I wrote. Lol. I also remember feeling a little annoyed because she messed up a letter I was doing good on. But I was holding my pencil properly. 

My writing exercise this morning, although very helpful and meditative, is long and repetitive. And I found my hand getting tired. I realized I was gripping my pen tightly. As I made my hand relax and loosened my grip, I felt a level of comfort…the movement of writing became fluid…the letters seemed to float across my paper as my mind guided my hand to let go. There was a sense of peace in my writing exercise that was missing when I hung on too tightly. 

Letting go. Releasing my grip on things I believe I need to control….doing so brings peace and comfort and allows things to flow as they should. 

There are valuable lessons and reminders everywhere. I want to be open to recognize and receive them like this morning. What a blessing! 

I know people, including my husband, that have received Cortisone shots in joints where there is some arthritis starting, or to manage pain due to an injury. I received all kinds of conflicting information about cortisone to manage my hip pain prior to my right hip replacement. I read and heard from medical providers that cortisone shots don’t always work if the damage to joint is too far gone, or that the relief can be very short-lived and I’m only allowed a limited number of shots per year. And that repeated shots can create scar tissue and do damage to bone itself. So I didn’t even really consider getting a shot, I just battled the pain and did the best I could. 

I figure now since my left hip replacement surgery target date is December 2018, I have nothing to lose by trying one. Lol. “I’m getting a new one anyway” is what I keep telling myself. In anticipation of the surgery in 18 months, I started weight training with Travis Barret with EvolveSC in June again, and it feels great to be back! It also feels great to be proactive and preparing already for my surgery. I know what to expect now and I know what helped me before my first hip replacement surgery. What I want to do is try some different things for pain management and try to last the next 17 months with a lower level of pain than what I lived with before. 

So I got the cortisone shot in thee old left hip this past Thursday. I don’t recommend the procedure for those with low pain tolerance. 😂 I’m lucky my pain tolerance is pretty high. It’s a big joint and they needed to do it under X-ray to guide the injection needle….clarifying the needle because I got 2 shots of lidocaine, 1 to begin the procedure right in the hip flexor, then they put a very thin “guide needle” in to make sure that the needle with actual cortisone was going in the right place. I had 2 c-sections but I now believe I have a good idea of what labor pain feels like when that guide needle got close to the joint. That pain felt like it went right to my soul….hahahaha. All dramatic. But it was bad for that moment. I found myself doing the breathing I was taught in child birth class…hahahaha. And they gave me a squishy thing to squeeze. Then they gave me another shot of lidocaine. Thennnn the needle with some numbing agent and the cortisone went in. It created pressure in the joint to where it felt like my hip was a water balloon being filled. Not really painful but one of the weirdest things I’ve ever felt. 

I think I was most apprehensive that it would be painful, and that my joint was so far gone that I would go through all this and have it not work. But that’s me…worrying about stuff that hasn’t happened yet. And it was kind of depressing going through the pain consult with the nurse…just brought back again what I have to deal with and that another hip replacement surgery is looming. And also when the doctor’s assistant looked at my hip joint under the x-ray and showed me all the bone spurs…she said she was surprised I wasn’t laid out with pain. It made me sad hearing those things, combined with my apprehension about the shot. I just tried to focus on a good outcome and that I would get some relief. The actual procedure took about 10 whole minutes from start to finish. Then I got to sit in a comfy chair in the recovery area while the nurse monitored my BP and brought me a Sprite Zero with a straw. When I got up and on my feet, the hip felt great. A few hours later when the numbing wore off, it didn’t feel so hot. There was deep ache in the joint starting around 8pm. I can’t take any ibuprofen for pain anymore because I also am trying out a real strong anti-inflammatory called meloxicam. Joe got me an ice pack for the point of injection and it started to feel better. 

They advised me that the corticosteroid is slow-acting, and it may take from 7-10 days to feel the full effect. Or I could notice a difference within 1-3 days. They didn’t want me to be discouraged and think that it isn’t working if I have a bad pain day within the next 3-7 days. 

So far, at this early stage of 2 days out of the procedure, it feels good. I’ve noticed a difference. I worked out with Travis today and noticed that using a leg press machine felt better on the joint. I can stand up straighter without pain. Walking my big puppy was a little tiring and I came back a little sore. But overall it feels good. Now I just have to get an idea of how long the relief will last once I hit the 7-10 day mark. I’m envisioning getting a minimum of 6 months of relief. That is my hope. I was trying to be tough and not let on how it really felt, so I decided to write about it. I feel better now. And as always, I am hopeful. 

This past weekend I danced at Haskell’s Commencement Powwow. I went H.A.M. and danced in every dance special plus my regular contest. In total, I danced in 2 Jingle dress specials, a women’s all-around, and then my regular contest was Northern Cloth. 

The Jingle dress portion of the all-around was Friday night. I haven’t danced Jingle since before my surgery. I danced in one of the jingle dress specials before the Jingle portion of the all-around, and I felt sooooo rusty. My hair tie kept slapping my hand and distracting me, my dress felt too tight (my BFF made it for me when my weight was down), and I overstepped on the very 1st song with a big loud crash…there’s a lot of cones on that dress. 😂 Couldn’t even play it off, I just slunk off to the side. #shame #nobrakes

By the time I danced in the all around, I felt much better and more like myself. Joints felt good, muscles felt weak. No cramps or joint pain after. #winning

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(*sorry for posting 2 videos, I couldn’t figure out how to delete one using this phone app)

The fancy shawl part of the all-around was next. I gotta say, I felt like the old me, my former self, dancing fancy shawl in grand entry. Then we got 2 straight songs and I was able to hang. Since I truly didn’t prepare or train to dance in an all-around, I seriously wondered if I would get so tired that I might be barely moving out there. I worried about feeling any twinges in my new/artificial hip joint. That didn’t happen, thank goodness. The new joint felt great! I did notice right away that I had to modify one of my favorite spins when I turned to the right. My right hip just didn’t want to move the way the spin goes. But that’s to be expected, and I made the adjustment without a problem. I just need to get used to do somethings a little differently. The joints felt great, and it felt amazing to dance fancy shawl again like I used to. It did however, bring into glaring focus how far I need to go to get back into shawl dancing physical condition.  I need to increase my leg strength and speed. I had my own little cheering section on one side of the arena, and that encouragement helped a whole bunch!! No video though (boo). Maybe that’s a good thing. I sure felt like I was flying around out there but I will bet it looked much more closer to the ground on video. Lol. 

So for all 3 sessions, I danced a total of 11 contest songs. No cramps Saturday night, no joint pain, just many MANY sore muscles. I got a consolation in the all-around and 2nd in my regular contest, even with missing Friday’s grand entry points (I was late because I was cooking chili for our company and us to eat after the powwow). No ragrets on missing the GE. I am happy when I can cook and feed people. Placing anywhere in the contest was a bonus. 

Our eating wasn’t too bad as far as a powwow weekend goes. I indulged in kettle corn and a few M&M cookies from HyVee. But overall, the eating was much healthier than our usual powwow weekends because I cooked and had fruit and veggies with our supper break sandwiches. 

I didn’t get much sleep so I am recovering from that. It seems to take about a week to feel fully rested after a powwow weekend…because we’re getting old. Lol. 

Because I am sleep deprived and the muscle soreness lingers, I am struggling to get back on this week. And it’s been rainy so my joints ache a bit. However, I did get some serious motivation to train and eat healthy from the weekend. I also got some insight into how I have to be more patient with this return to shawl dancing plan. I need to get stronger to support my joints better and to drop some weight to decrease the impact on said joints. 

Back to logging the food tomorrow and the daily walk/run with Mickey. 😊 #noexcuses

I did it! I passed my Master’s level social work licensure exam! I am 13 years out of my MSW coursework, worked in Community Health for all those years, and I was able to pass the test! I had much help and support in this…current graduates shared their study materials and my family and extended family went above and beyond in support and encouragement. I received my notice from the State on Tuesday that I was approved for licensure, so I submitted my license request and paid my fee. So as of Tuesday, May 2, I am a LMSW. 😃

Aaaaand….I made the leap and resigned from my job of 7 years as the Assistant Director of Administrative Affairs at a research-based Community Health center. And I accepted a position as a therapist at a local community mental health center! I did all my credentialing paperwork based on my temporary license, and now I have a permanent license. I have been working as a therapist since April 3. My new job is 3.5 miles from my house and it takes me exactly 7 minutes and 55 seconds to get to work. And I have an office! I lived the cubicle life for 7 years and now I actually have walls, a door, and my own thermostat. My job offers free LSCSW supervision, and opportunities for free CEUs. I absolutely love my job and the kids I work with. I love the hours, and I’ve been given good training and strong support from my supervisors. 

The time I have now with my family is priceless. There is so much less stress than with my former job, where the primary stressors were the 100-mile round trip commute, and my time away from home because I wouldn’t arrive back from work until 6:00 or 6:30pm. I get home before 3:30pm now. I am continually amazed and grateful because often when I am doing something with my Swirlies I’ll look at the clock and tell them “I am so happy! With my other job I would still be at work and here we are….doing fun stuff.” I have time and energy to cook, we have been eating our dinners earlier and we have more time in our evenings for homework, walks, relaxing, crafting, etc. 

I also feel very passionate about the work I am doing. I work with middle school kids and they are as awesome as they are challenging. My work feels purposeful again. I am happy to drive to work to see what the day brings. And I work with an awesome team of mental health professionals. My team leader strongly encourages self-care and her and my immediate supervisor often check-in with us to make sure we are not neglecting ourselves. That we cannot help people to the best of our ability unless we are healthy in all the areas of wellness. 

I put so much of my life on-hold while I was going through all this transition and working toward my career goals. Now I feel it’s time to get back to being me again. It’s time to get back to doing the things I love to do. It’s time to start riding the new bike my dad gave me for my birthday. It’s time to finish my dentalium cape. It’s time to train in earnest to get back to shawl dancing. It’s time to drag my daughters and husband along with me on my road to wellness. Its time to start running with my big puppy on some trails. It’s time to take the time to do nothing and just sit and enjoy….I envision something like drinking coffee on my deck in the morning to start my day. 

One of the most memorable moments of this whole process was when my daughters would give me neck and back massages after I got done studying. And when my 10-year old inquired as to what I would be doing at my new job. After I explained to her, she asked me, “So you are going to listen to people and try to help them? I think this will be a good job for you because you are so good at that.” 

Sometimes I just come home from work and I just sit here and let all the gratitude wash over me. Everything up to this point has been a huge leap of faith. And it’s a leap in the direction of getting back to myself again.