Tuesday marked 16 weeks since I had total hip replacement on my right hip. This time I went to the appointment in workout pants that didn’t have any zippers so I wouldn’t have to change into the beautiful mesh shorts the doctor’s office provides to get the x-rays on my hip. The x-rays showed that my hip is healing nicely. There is no loosening of the device from the bone….he noted that my left hip looks bad (as it has since 2012) but he would leave it up to me as to when I wanted to get that hip replaced.

I was looking forward to having my non-impact exercise restrictions lifted and possibly be given the green light to get back to shawl dancing. He did reduce several of my restrictions. I can now squat or leg press up to 100% of my body weight (I was at 50% at my 6-week follow-up), I can pick up or deadlift up to 90 lbs (up from 40 lbs), and I can now do low-impact activity, such as Zumba or the modified T25 workouts, and continue with the walking, elliptical, stationary bike, swimming. I can also get back to pushing a prowler with weights, using my judgement on how my hip and muscles feel. But no attempts at returning to shawl dancing until I am 6-months post-surgery, which puts me at mid-June.

I’ll admit I was a little disappointed to hear that. But I’m realistic enough with myself to know that even in mid-June, had he given me the green light to return now, I wouldn’t be ready. I gained approximately 15 lbs since having my surgery. I feel like my muscle tone is zero. I’ve dealt with weight issues during my adult life, twice gaining and losing 30-36 lbs (NOT including pregnancy weight gain for my 2 daughters), and what feels different this time is that I always felt like I had a base to work from…even if I was overweight and out of shape, I still had a base of conditioning to build on. I don’t feel like I have that base in this instance.

I’ve said this to a few people…coming back after this surgery is harder than coming back after having 2 babies. After having both C-sections, I remember returning to the track to walk….and I couldn’t get my heart rate up enough for walking to feel like a workout, so I started walking the stairs. Not this time…even walking for distance is challenging. My muscles hurt. My arches hurt. None of the work clothes I bought last summer and fall fit me. I had to move my dance belt out when I danced traditional at KU powwow last weekend. And when I weighed and measured myself on Monday, I realized that I am the heaviest I have been in my adult life, not counting how much I weighed post-pregnancy.

This week was tough. I was beyond frustrated. I know now what people mean when they say they “raged inside”. Lol. That’s how I felt. I struggle with having patience, I want stuff to happen RIGHT NOW. So I started using my weight watchers app again on Monday, tracking my points, and my husband got all of us out for a walk after work. Wednesday I felt like I was coming unglued…my frustration with myself was hitting its peak, work stress piled up….I texted my adopted sister, letting her know how unglued I was becoming….lol. Then I grabbed my workout bag and headed for the rec center at my work. When I walked in I saw the recumbent step machine, just like the one they had at my physical therapy place. I used the 15-Minute Rule on myself, saying I would only get on that thing for 15 minutes then I was out of here. I listened to some Queen & David Bowie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Steve Winwood while I pushed the pedals. Felt my nerves start to soothe. I did 20 minutes on the stepper and then set the machine for another 20. I felt so much better after. I felt like I got a good workout. I broke a sweat and I could tell my muscles did good work without anything else hurting. I felt calm. I felt optimistic. I was able to return to my work station and get a bunch of work done.

Yesterday I woke up not feeling much better than Wednesday. Some good talk about nutrition with MPH students and interns while working a career fair brightened my day. And then I got my family out for a walk while our dinner cooked. And once again, I returned feeling calm. Feeling optimistic. And I slept really good both nights.

Some people operate well by telling themselves “I HAVE to do this. I have no other choice.” I don’t do well with that type of self-talk. Telling myself that only increases frustration. I do believe I can do this now. I believe things are going to be ok. I’m getting back into the habit of tracking my food and generating ideas for healthy meals for my family. I feel like I’m finally ready to return to weight training, which always gave me good results. I am back to believing that walking will do me a world of good until I am ready to do more. I am looking forward to using that recumbent stepper more frequently until I feel like doing the elliptical. I have had several people tell me, “If anyone can come back from this strong, it’s you.”

I just need to keep telling myself that. Each and every day.