Tag Archives: stress

My Fun Friday Lunch

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Understanding and addressing my emotional eating has been such a great way to take care of myself. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. And as a result, cooking and eating low-carb, high-fat meals has just been feeling very natural lately. I don’t want to say I’m all in with keto just yet because 1) I don’t want to put pressure on myself, 2) it’s going so good I don’t want to jinx it! lol. But I can feel my energy getting more consistent throughout the day, and my brain fog is starting to lift once again. Not struggling with cravings due to emotional eating has made a huge difference.

So here is a fun lunch I packed today on a whim, using whatever was in my refrigerator. I’ve been doing good getting my green veggies in this week so I wanted something different for my Friday lunch.

Inspired by the charcuterie board trend. Summer sausage, sliced Colby Jack cheese, celery, a boiled egg, almonds, blackberries and blueberries.

I seriously cannot wait for lunchtime. Lol.

Happy Friday!

Emotional Eating Awareness Stressors

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Sometimes I am too nosy for my own good. Meaning, I have a curiosity that needs to be satisfied and many times the outcome is detrimental to my own peace of mind.

I’ve been doing my “noting technique” and self check-ins, giving a name to my physical and emotional feelings and then letting them go, not ruminating on them. I am dabbling in “radical acceptance” by not attributing a good or bad to my feelings, just accepting them as they are and that it’s ok. I am a work in progress. Things were going well and I’ve been noticing a difference in how I feel physically when I choose to eat, and what I choose to eat.

I decided to participate in a 4-week wellness challenge and my goal is to learn about my emotional eating and start learning techniques to manage it. I mentioned in my blog yesterday that I am foregoing keto in order to devote my focus to getting my learn on. So my goals with this challenge are not weight loss focused. I’ve adjusted my goals for where I am right now and what I want to learn. One of my goals is to adjust my thinking regarding physical activity. View activity as being gentle and restorative rather than strenuous for calorie burn. I did MocassinFlow yoga with my friend Lisa Hill for the first time last night (she has weekly classes via Zoom out of Ontario, CAN). I want to be gentle and supportive with my physical and mental health. And because my injured ankle still gets sore with extended walking, and it’s freaking cold outside, AND because my new left hip is still healing but has good range of motion again, I am giving yoga another look. I am in it for the restorative benefits because that is in line with how I am trying to restore a healthy relationship with food.

Anyway…..my curiosity, my nosiness, got the better of me on Monday. I had the “great idea” to track my food in MyFitnessPal. Why you ask? I wanted to see if utilizing my noting technique and taking that pause before eating had any effect on my calorie intake for the day. WHYYYYYYY?????? Why would I think that was a good idea????? Guess what happened? I got stressed out when I saw how many calories I was eating. And then guess what happened?? I ended up eating Tostitos Scoops right out of the bag before I was able to pause myself, admit how stressed out I made myself with my curiosity, and then walk away from the bag of chips.

And that is the perfect example of how dysfunctional my relationship with food has become. It is a struggle to just take note of this and not sit here and wonder, “What the hell is wrong with me.” Part of this, I realize, is my public health training and experience. When I was in charge of the Diabetes Prevention Program at our local IHS service unit, and the NAWLM Weight Loss program at KUMC, tracking food was the biggest tool we utilized in losing weight. My job was to promote and be encouraging about tracking food. The National Weight Control Registry also found that tracking food was one of the most significant factors in successful weight loss and maintaining weight loss for at least one year. One of the weight loss challenges organized by a colleague uses a point system where tracking food earns points. Weight Watchers, where I had much personal success in 2001-2002 in losing 35 pounds and keeping it off until I had my first child in 2004, used a point system where food tracking was the foundation. Somewhere along my journey, this research-supported tool, became a source of stress in my relationship to food.

Chalk it up to another thing learned about Shelley. I am happy to report that although I experienced some frustration with myself, these are exactly the things I want to learn about me. So rather than beat myself up, I was able reframe my experience and then celebrate the new discovery. And I made the decision to not track my food while I am learning about my style of emotional eating. I am going to allow myself to focus on the NSV – the Non-Scale Victories and celebrate those while I heal.

Checking-In With Myself

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I made the executive decision to forego doing keto while I am figuring out my emotional eating. I will eat the keto meals that are nutritious and that I enjoy, such as my egg and veggie brunches, and I will continue to make food choices that benefit my health, but I feel it’s more important to not put restrictions on my self-learning. Restrictions induce stress when it comes to food for me, so let’s get that barrier out of the way while I get my learn on.

I am starting with taking note of how I am feeling throughout the day. I am putting a name to my feelings and differentiating between a physical sensation and an emotion. I’m not labeling anything as good or bad, each thought or emotion is simply something that’s going on in my body or in my head. It is what it is, yo. It is me and I am ok. I take a few moments to do a check-in with myself, and I am being deliberate about doing this frequently. I share these things throughout the day with my husband as well. That serves two purposes: 1) it helps me practice my marital communication skills, sharing with my companion because he is not a mind reader, 2) I remember when I first started on my anti-depressant and my provider suggested that my husband be my “barometer”. I can enlist his observation and intuitive skills to help show me the progress I am making or to bring something to my attention that I may not be seeing.

I have to slow down a little bit to take this mental “pause”. I am so used to being busy all the time that I always felt like this would be more hindrance than helpful. Like, “I got no time to be introspective!!!” But feeling compelled to be busy all the time is also stressful. Aaaahhhhhh, see what I just learned about myself there??? I’ve found that taking that pause takes less than a minute. And the more deliberate I am about practicing this, the better I will get at it and more comfortable I will feel with it.

When I was cooking dinner last night (my mom’s chili recipe), Joe B asked me if I was learning if I had any trigger foods (foods that set off a binge once I start in), or if I had identified the foods I most frequently crave when I’m stressed. I promptly responded “Popcorn, chips, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and butter pecan ice cream.” They are salty, crunchy, and in the case of cookies and ice cream, they have a salty-sweet combo, where if they are available and once I start in, then that’s all I want to eat. Now that I think about it and reflect back on yesterday, I also discovered that I have the same response to my homemade kale chips. They are salty, crunchy, and once I start in I will knock out a whole plate. But I’m not going to put the stamp of approval on this choice because it’s simply swapping one trigger food for a nutritionally-dense trigger food. That’s still emotional eating. Another “Ah-ha” moment for me there.

This path I’m on is already very interesting. I have to remind myself frequently that this is a J.O.U.R.N.E.Y. And I can take my time to take note of and enjoy all the new discoveries.

Let Me Introduce Myself – Shelley, the Emotional Eater

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I’ve been deep in thought for the last few days. Not posting much on social media, and just physically being quiet. Part of that I attribute to the side-effects of my meds (fatigue and stomach upset). The other part is processing how I’m feeling about acknowledging that I am an emotional eater. I wasn’t going to share this on my blog, but the writing is a good outlet for all that is going on in my brain.

Whenever I learn something new about myself, or acknowledge something that’s been there for awhile….I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I don’t have the words to write how deep the realization feels. When I’ve had an epiphany in the past about myself, I have felt rocked to my core, almost shaken. But this feels different. It’s made me very still and very thoughtful. The past few days I’ve been allowing my mind to gently and deliberately follow the train of my thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and the impact it has had on my emotional, mental, and physical health and wellness for the last several years. I’m not sure if “introspective” is an emotional descriptor, but this introspection feels deeply personal and raw.

I’ve been deflecting for years. I’ve always minimized it to myself by calling it “Stress Eating”. I eat in times of stress. I have specific food cravings in times of stress. I indulge in these specific foods when stressed because I feel I deserve it for enduring whatever stress has set these emotions off. I eat craving-specific foods when I’m not hungry. I eat craving-specific foods mostly when I’m tired. Overall, I have it in my mind that it will make me feel better. Add in the depression I’ve been experiencing since 2016 which one of the symptoms is a change in eating habits, and makes me vulnerable to stress. These are the hallmarks of emotional eating, but I could look away from that stress-inducing label by doing a swerve and believing it’s “only stress”. I told myself, “I’m not an emotional eater. I’m just a very busy mom and wife who has a high number of life stressors.” Lol. Seriously. That was my ever-present thought bubble.

I am being gentle with myself. That’s been part of the quietness. I disclosed my thoughts to my husband and while making meaningful eye contact with me, he just slowly nodded his head in agreement. He said he didn’t know how to bring it to my attention before, but he noticed how I used food to soothe my stress. He reminded me of how hard I can be on myself, and that he didn’t want me to beat myself up over this realization. That to heal from something I need to be gentle and give good care to myself.

In my current deep thought and quietness, looked through my past blog entries. All good stuff about nutrition, managing inflammation, depression recovery, diabetes, exercise, my 2 hip replacements, physical activity. However, I am still pre-diabetic. I am still on medication for depression. I am still not back to normal or consistent physical activity due to surgery and my most recent injury. I’m still processing my grief from losing my mom. And I know now that all of those wonderful tools that I’ve written about will not work for me consistently unless I address the elephant in the room. That elephant has a big sign on the side saying “Emotional Eating”. No amount of “keeping myself accountable” or “no excuses” or “willpower” or “staying busy” or “just think positive” will move the elephant out of my room. I believe that emotional eating is the root of many of my health issues, and that root will continue to sprout unhealthy weeds until I address it effectively. I need to take an unflinching look and a personal inventory on this part of myself. Personal wellness and healing is my journey. And although it still feels very raw, I’m grateful to have finally come to this knowledge about myself. I feel like I’m in a good place to start learning. I want to write about what I learn and how I implement the new knowledge, so I am going to use my blog to help me process.

Ketogenic Diet Witness

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keto diet blog pic

Here is the blog post I’ve wanted to write for months. I wrote about Intermittent Fasting (IF), giving up artificial sweeteners, gut health, and how effective those things were for me. What I hadn’t written about to-date, is my first experience with the Ketogenic Diet, and now my return to it.

Back in May 2018, after I competed in a shawl dance competition for the first time for an entire powwow, I decided to give the keto diet a whirl. I was getting ready to begin another wellness challenge, and I noticed the benefits of IF and giving up the Splenda on my joints and eliminating my sugar cravings. I follow Dr. Jason Fung and Dr. Eric Berg on social media, and I read Dr. Fung’s book, as well as the book pictured above. What intrigued me the most was not the weight loss, but the anti-inflammatory benefits of the diet, and being pre-diabetic still, the positive impact it would have on my labs/bloodwork. I got my labs done and found my A1c had come down another point from a high of 6.1 to 5.9. I have yet to check it again, but I have plans to in May 2019.

When I started keto in May 2018, I experienced what people call the “keto flu”, which is actually withdrawal symptoms from carbohydrates. I made a homemade electrolyte drink that my sister-friend Makyla sent to me and that helped alleviate the flu-like symptoms. Once I got through that, prepping my  lunches was fairly easy because I was lowering my carb intake for a few months prior. I did not do the high fat thing very well….I didn’t use it as an excuse to eat fatty meat and bacon, etc. But I did lost about 5 lbs in my first week. I checked my ketones regularly and knew I was in ketosis. Overall, the keto diet contributed to me losing 22 lbs from my highest weight at the beginning of 2018. The biggest benefits for me were that it gave me good energy all day long, and I didn’t have many food cravings. It also reduced the inflammation in my bad hip enough to where I ran my first 5K in years one month in. I danced jingle dress all summer and even got to the point where I was able to compete in fancy shawl and a few more powwows. I was feeling like my old self. It was very difficult to maintain at powwows, but it is difficult to maintain any healthy way of eating when you are on the road and away from your own kitchen, so that’s not really an excuse.

But I fell off over the summer, and I fell off further in the fall and early winter of 2018. I gained all my weight back because I wasn’t managing my work stress. I was very sporadic with my workouts with Travis and I felt tired all the time. The plus side is I got my crafting mojo back and that felt great!!! I made some beautiful things for my husband and kids and other close friends. I volunteered in my community and continued to attend my Al-Anon meetings and do my step-work with my sponsor. So it definitely wasn’t all bad. I look at it now as a time where I deepened my learning and deepened my work on my personal healing, and how that will help me balance and manage the stress from the challenges that will always be a part of life.

I wrote about joining the wellness challenge the beginning of January. And I started back on keto January 6. I was able to get back into ketosis within 3 days with no sleep issues and no keto flu. And I lost 5.8 lbs my first week back. I haven’t missed a day of training with Travis and I’m working my 5K training plan. We have had some really yucky weather here in KS for the past few weeks, but being in ketosis and reducing the inflammation has made it to where my joints don’t ache at all when the barometric pressure drops. I have so much energy, which is amazing because I’ve had alot of demands on my schedule and personal resources. I’ve been able to meet the demands on my time and energy and feel good about it.

The biggest difference for me is my approach and mindset. I truly believe that keto is working for me because I’ve embraced this Way of Eating (WOE). I’m committed to eating non-starchy vegetables, healthy fats, and good sources of protein. I’ve read over Whole 30 blogs and articles and one thing that struck me was how the Whole 30 diet does not have any recipes for “whole 30 brownies” or any other substitutes for the sweet and crunchy foods we have a type of dependence on. They said that trying to find substitutes for sweets and starchy goodness while on Whole 30 was like “sex with your pants on”. Lol. That’s where I was on the wrong track before. I wanted the benefits of keto without giving up the foods that were making me sick in the first place. My sister tried to explain this very thing to me a few years ago, but it didn’t click with me then. It has clicked with me now with resonance. I no longer look for recipes for fake sweets like muffins or cakes that use almond flour and a lot of artificial sweetener. Same with coffee drinks and other sources of sugar that I craved before. This time around, the ketogenic WOE is a complete mind-shift. I’m not focused on weight-loss, I’m focused on pain-management and energy. I don’t weigh myself with any regularity because I’m focused on managing the day to day things I want to do to treat my body with respect and reverence. I feel stronger, I can see the definition in my legs returning. And I did a fancy shawl dance practice yesterday and my legs felt great!!!!!

So there’s my keto testament. It’s not for everybody, so I won’t be a member of the “keto-police”, but I am happy to share what it’s done for me.

 

 

 

Self-Care

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I had a really good conversation with a friend a few weeks ago at a powwow in Durant, OK. Part of the discussion was about self-care. How important it is, and the different ways she has found to do this for herself. 

My boss and colleagues talk about self-care. We are therapists so it’s vitally important to us and our clients that we stay healthy: physically, mentally and emotionally. Speaking only for myself, I add spiritual health to the list. Self-care is for everyone because we all have our own stress that is unique to each one of us. 

I honestly used to believe that self-care meant a pedicure or massage, or making sure I get a workout in. Massages and pedicures cost money, and many times I don’t want to spend the money. Sometimes I’m too tired or busy to workout, or it feels too strenuous to be self-care….sometimes it seems like self-torture, and who wants to do that? 

After we got our dog, I quickly discovered how therapeutic a loving dog truly is. He loves to snuggle, as the picture shows. I can always feel my stress melt away when he, and now our 2nd dog Sissy, come running to greet me after work. I realized how much our big puppies contribute to our wellbeing and how they contribute to our self-care needs. 

So here is another bulleted list, this time of self-care ideas. Some from my friend and some I’ve discovered myself. And most of them cost little to nothing except time. 

  • Coffee at home in quiet and solitude 
  • Reading a book
  • Taking a walk
  • Walking or snuggling my big puppies 
  • Having friends/family over for a simple breakfast/lunch/dinner
  • Watching a TedTalk on YouTube
  • Taking a bath. I did this recently and used Epsom Salts, lavender oil, a pure beeswax candle, and played my music on a Bluetooth speaker
  • Actually picking up the phone and calling a friend or family member to visit. So much better than texting. 
  • Sitting outside in the evening after it’s dark and looking at the sky
  • Using a meditation app
  • Getting out of the house to do something not work or housework related – go watch a youth or high school or local college game
  • Check out a new walking path in your city
  • Laugh
  • Dance 
  • Bake something from scratch and enjoy with a cup of your favorite hot beverage
  • Write in a journal 
  • Breathing exercises
  • Self-massage techniques
  • Go to a meeting (if in a 12-Step program)
  • Plan a game night with friends
  • USE the fancy coffee mug for your morning coffee
  • Visit your local library
  • Paint ceramics
  • Color with crayons or markers or pencils, either free-hand or a coloring book
  • Have a morning ritual that involves spirituality and gratitude 
  • Make a new music playlist 

These are just some ideas that I hope gets people thinking about how they can take care of themselves. I’ve learned the importance of nourishing not only my body, but my mind, my heart and my spirit. I can’t be my best for my family or my job if I ignore what I need. 

No More Excuses

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I’ll be honest. I am an awesome, one of the best really, “excuse-makers”.

I can find a reason (read: excuse) for anything. I believe I honed this skill in my early college years where I earned a plethora of “W” (withdraw) and “I” (Incomplete) grades that still show on all my transcripts. I’ve used this skill to account for slacking on schoolwork, graduate papers, studying, housework, balancing my checkbook, sewing, beading, doctor’s visits (such as my annual mammogram), eating healthy, and working out. I’ve gotten by because I can usually pull something together at the last minute. I know my life is much simpler when I force myself out of my excuse-making tendencies, but that doesn’t keep me from making excuses consistently in order to enable my mindset. 🙂

This is a wellness blog. Yet my blogging is sporadic because I’ve come up with some of the best excuses for either not blogging consistently, or not practicing wellness habits consistently. Some of them were very valid at the time….I’ve had good honest reasons why I’ve fallen off the wellness wagon time and time again. But once those reasons or issues have been addressed and I still am not back on the wagon again…then they become an excuse.

So…in an effort to be brutally honest with myself….here are my best “reasons” for the past few years for not feeling like I was capable of practicing healthy habits. 2012 I remember as my last best year for wellness….I was running 5K races consistently and I felt great about myself. So let’s start there.

  1. Hip Osteoarthritis – this was a biggie. The OA diagnosis and the inevitable total hip replacement was huge. Mentally and emotionally it was tough…having to face the prospect on never shawl dancing again or running again. Then the actual hip pain made it hard to workout, and even harder to want to work out.
  2. Depression – this stemmed from the OA diagnosis, the unknown of total hip replacement surgery, not finding a good coping mechanism besides running, surgery recovery, marital issues, a pre-diabetes diagnosis, and job dissatisfaction. I often felt alone and lonely in my depression, which made motivation scarce and just about non-existent.
  3. Career Change – I wanted to get out of community health administration, and out of the 100 mile round-trip daily commute, and go back into clinical social work at a local agency. I needed to job search, study for my licensure exam, and get out of my comfort zone to follow my passion. That was all extremely stressful and daunting and I didn’t know if I could do it.

Those are the major ones. Every single one of them I allowed to take precious time away from me and what I wanted to do take care of me and my family. I was able to find a million excuses for not treating my body and my spirit well out of all of those 3 big categories. All 3 categories all fed off each other as well and just made things seem bigger and bigger and bigger, until I was overwhelmed on the regular.

So here is where I’m at now and where the excuses end.

  1. Hip OA – I’ve had one hip replaced and know exactly what to expect with my 2nd surgery. My recover was, upon reflection, fairly easy due to my age and my physical strength prior to surgery. My right hip has no more pain and normal range of motion. I got clearance to begin training to shawl dance last June, and I actually danced in a fancy shawl special at KU powwow last month. My left hip is still bad but I know with weight loss and supplements, and possibly a cortisone shot, I can put off surgery for another year or so. My arches hurt from the excess weight, but I have good shoes with arch supports for work and working out.
  2. Depression – I’ve been managing the symptoms with anti-depressant meds. I feel much more positive and self-sufficient than last year at this time. I am getting ready to start tapering off my meds now that things that overwhelmed me have settled down. We got a dog and he is the best thing for mental health. He is awesome and brings so much joy to us. My marriage is much better due to praying together daily. I am finding walking very enjoyable, especially with my big puppy. My sleep has improved and I don’t feel the food cravings often associated with a depressed mood. I went on a social media fast and that was an eye-opener…how the negativity on social media can permeate your brain and your mood. My now-elevated mood helps me feel motivated. I downloaded “The Secret Daily Teachings” app on my phone and it always has good positive words that I read every morning.
  3. Career Change – I successfully passed my master social worker licensure exam. I found an awesome job as a therapist at a local community mental health center. I work in a middle school so I work school hours. My job is 3.5 miles from my home. I love this work…the kids are awesome and so are the staff here. I worked through any internal difficulties I was having at my old job and I was able to leave on good terms….which felt amazing.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and my husband and kids gave me gifts all designed to get me healthy and strong again….new runners, new running tops, phone armband. I can’t use time as an excuse because I am home shortly after my kids get home. So I have time to cook earlier, time to get housework done, and time to walk or do something with my kids. I truly have no more excuses. I’m sure I can find some, since I’ve gotten so good at it over the years. I need to use my powers for good and not idleness. Lol. I should turn it around and make excuses TO BE HEALTHY for once.


So TODAY is the day of “No More Excuses”. It’s Day 1. I got my baseline info for Day 1 in the form of weighing myself and taking a picture. 🙂 I overslept this morning and ALMOST caved and said “Day 1 can start tomorrow.” Hahahaha. But I didn’t. That’s a good sign. See, I could have easily used that as an excuse to delay Day 1 but I did not.

I made myself take a few minutes for breakfast instead of running out the door since I was running late. My vanilla strawberry smoothie with cashew milk, vanilla Weight Watchers smoothie mix and 1 cup of fresh strawberries was only 1 carbohydrate serving.  My plan today is either to walk Mickey or ride the new bike my dad got me for my birthday (lack of a bike was a prior excuse to not exercise when my joints were hurting). I have a place to workout at the Sports Pavilion if the weather is bad. They have a nice indoor track and good cardio equipment.

I need to make myself accountable, so I will do my best to jot something here each day. I want to document this new journey. This is more for me than for you, but if you get something positive out of it as well, then that’s a bonus.

Here we go. Day 1. I’ll write later how it goes. #Letsdoodis

 

Time to Get Real Again…

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I never want this blog to become a “tell-all”…meaning where I pour my heart out like my blog is a diary. Yet I want to be a “truth-teller” like my new favorite author Glennon Doyle Melton as well. I don’t think I am as brave as her, so I have to find a happy medium…a balance of using my voice and sharing my experiences in hopes of helping someone else, sharing wellness information in a way that is engaging, all with the goal of “wellness” for myself and family clearly in sight.

I attended a powwow in Milwaukee, WI this past weekend and I felt very humbled when dancers and singers approached me saying they enjoyed reading my blog, or asking me how my blog is going. I was honest with one friend and told her that my blog has been hit or miss…it’s been difficult to write because of something that’s going on that I’m finding difficult to share. I decided I needed to be myself, make it real on here, in hopes that it will help someone down the road.

I have a history of depression. My history was a big part of the reason I studied psychology and social work when working on my degrees. I wanted to understand it and be able to help not only myself, but others, because depression sucks big time.

In addition to fact that depression sucks, it also has a stigma about it. I’ve learned that depression is not the result of being weak, or that I can’t handle business. It’s a result of chronic stress (physical or emotional) that can cause an imbalance of the chemicals in your brain responsible for that sense of well-being, or having what you might consider a “normal” mood or temperament. Those chemicals are called neurotransmitters. Your body likes to maintain things…keep the inner workings on an even keel (i.e. your blood pressure, blood glucose, body temp, etc.) and this phenomena is called “homeostasis”. Your body likes to be in balance and it will work to keep your systems and the chemicals that make up your systems within a certain range. Same with the chemicals called neurotransmitters. There is one called seratonin which helps regulate your mood. If these levels are too high or too low, your mood and behavior can be affected. Your body will work to keep these within a range it likes, but chronic stress, illness and other factors can cause the seratonin levels to become lower, or “depressed”. Under healthy circumstances your body may be able to bring these levels up on its own. Or you can do things that will temporarily elevate seratonin levels, such as exercise, eating nutrient dense foods, getting enough sleep, and getting sunlight to produce Vitamin D, to give your body help in raising those levels. And sometimes the seratonin levels stay depressed for so long that your body can’t bring them back up within the appropriate range on its own and it needs a medication called a SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor).

People experience and exhibit depression symptoms in many ways. Depression can either make them anxious and sleepless, or make them fatigued and sleeping all the time. It can affect your appetite…some people overeat, some lose their appetite. Some people feel like crying, some people get angry or even apathetic. Some people experience muscle tension and headaches, or aches in other parts of their body. There is no predicting where in your body the stress of depression will manifest itself. There are a variety of ways depression presents itself. And a variety of ranges. Most people think that clinical depression means you can’t get out of bed, you can’t stop crying, etc. But there is a form of depression called “dysthymia” which would be considered a low-grade depression. You are fully functioning, get out of bed every single day, hold a job, etc., but you feel like shit each and every day with no end in sight. You don’t LOOK depressed (whatever that means) and you don’t exhibit the stereotypical depressive behaviors. And then there is major depression which feels like you’ve hit rock bottom. Suicidal thoughts/ideation can occur in this condition, which is why it’s so important to let someone know and to seek help.

For me, when I was younger and going through my first bout of depression, my appetite changed where I ate junky food and didn’t feel like exercising. I slept all the time. I was moody and just didn’t feel good, felt like crying many times. As I got older and went through a bout of major depression, my symptoms changed quite a bit. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I felt like I couldn’t stop crying. I remember watching the clock in my room at 3:30am, crying, hanging on tight to a pillow and the edges of a blanket, feeling like I wanted to throw up, and just telling myself to hang on for another 5 minutes….just another 5 minutes and I’ll be ok. And I ran every day…I felt like if I didn’t run, I wouldn’t be able to breathe. Where I gained weight in an early bout of depression, I lost weight in that later bout. I didn’t want anyone to know so I just explained the unusual and sudden weight loss with “I got really sick and couldn’t eat.” Which was, in fact, the truth, it was just presented cleverly to hide what type of “sick” I was. Lol. My mom finally took me to the doctor to get help…it’s still a bit of a painful memory….I was helping her make the bed and I don’t remember exactly what I did or said…and she looked so sad and said she wanted me to see her doctor because she didn’t know how to help me. Her doctor did in fact see me and help me. I was prescribed Zoloft and I took it for several months and then I was fine. I still couldn’t sleep on that darn medicine, but at least I didn’t feel like I was losing my mind anymore.

As I have a history of depression, I’ve always tried to be mindful of it, and do what I can to prevent it when I know I am going through a challenging time. I also try not to hesitate to get help because I don’t want to go through major depression again. I always remember when my daughter was a toddler she told me one time, “Oppression hurts….but Cymbalta can help.” Lol (a commercial for a new anti-depressant). Random, I know, but somehow connected to this whole thing. About 5 years ago after I had been at my current job for almost a year, I felt myself start to slide downhill. I had to commute everyday an hour away because I had lost my 2 days of working in town as I was promised when I was first hired. I had to carpool so I had to leave earlier and arrive home later than if I drove myself. I never saw the light of day because the building I was in I never had to leave during the day. I would get home from work between 6:00-6:30pm after it was already dark outside and would get to spend exactly 2.5 hours with my babies before I had to get them to bed. It really sucked. My sleep and appetite were changing and so was my mood so I went in to see my doctor. I thought it was the lack of daylight causing my symptoms and I believed I had seasonal depression. When she told me I had dysthymia and she wanted to put me on an anti-depressant I started laughing. I told her, “Can’t you just give me a lamp (for vitamin D production) or something?” Lol…although she thought that was funny, I was given a medicine called Citalopram that I had to take for several months before tapering off of it, and once again, I became ok.

This last year has been one of the most challenging years I can remember in my relatively short lifetime. Looking back now, I think I started my downhill slide last summer as I worried about my impending surgery. I didn’t really talk to anyone about it, unless I was talking about how I was preparing for it. I didn’t want to worry anyone. And then I watched a video of a hip replacement surgery, and let me tell you don’t ever do that before major surgery. Bad idea. Very very bad. Then there was a series of stressors without much of a break to recover….my marriage hit a very tough time in October of last year, my aunt – my mom’s oldest sister passed away in November, then there was my surgery in December. Then the surgery recovery and the physical therapy in January. My mom had a heart attack in February. My beautiful oldest daughter Samantha went through a huge heartbreaking ordeal in March and she was 5 hours away from us. In April I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. It was one thing after another….with me fighting for my health and what felt like my sanity the entire time, determined to not give in to depression. I had requested something from my doctor early in the year to help with what I thought was just occasional anxiety, so she gave me prescription for Xanax. That helped somewhat…I laughed and told people that I literally had a “chill pill” as it calmed me down when my anxiety made it difficult to focus and work. But in June I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t get out of the house to leave for work on a Friday. I sat at my computer trying to do something and couldn’t stop crying. I felt like I had lost my mind. I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in months, my appetite was all out of whack, I had started SMOKING, my work was suffering, and my mood was starting to affect my kids. I felt truly broken. Everything I had tried to help myself felt like a complete failure. I felt like I was giving in….saying “uncle”….waving the white flag….when I dialed the phone to call my doctor to tell her I needed help. And I just prayed I could hang in there for the weekend until my appointment. I was diagnosed with major depression once again. I am back on an anti-depressant for 6 months and I see a counselor regularly.

On a lighter note, my meds have helped me immensely. They help to even out the really rough jagged edges. They have given me a better quality of sleep where I actually feel rested when I wake up in the morning. My emotions don’t roller-coaster as much. I can focus better. They at first made me feel kind of “out of it” at first, then I started taking them at night before I go to sleep. However, they make me a little absent-minded, and, according to my husband, they cause me to have no-filter. The most random, oddball stuff has come out of my mouth…ask anyone who knows. It’s mayhem at times, but in an odd, hilarious, good way. My motivation is returning…motivation to be active, to cook, to get things done, and to find coping mechanisms that work for me again without medication. I will be glad when I am well enough to taper off of them, hopefully in December.

Because of all of this, it’s been hard to figure out what to write about this summer…well, actually for the past year – except for my surgery and recovery. On the one hand, I don’t want to be spilling my business out there for everyone to see. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, and once again there it that stigma of depression I want to not be attached to. But on the other hand, my whole intent with this blog was to share my struggles and my victories in seeking good health, in hopes that it would help me by writing it, and possibly help others by reading it. My state of well-being has a direct impact on those closest to me. My husband has told me in the past that I have to stay strong and stay up for our little family…that if I go down, they’ll all go down with me. That I’m their backbone. And I’m learning that being a strong backbone doesn’t mean I have to do it by myself. It means finding the strength to ask for help. It means that there is no shame in seeking help in the arms and ears of your sisters and best friends…or seeking the help of a counselor…or seeking spiritual help….or seeking the assistance of a temporary medical/pharmaceutical regimen. And I am beginning to believe that it means being strong enough to share your battle story with others without the fear of an outdated stigma surrounding depression.

This is my battle and I’m doing my best in fighting it. I am not ashamed of it, not trying to front. Just trying to deal. And I am taking pride in that.