I never want this blog to become a “tell-all”…meaning where I pour my heart out like my blog is a diary. Yet I want to be a “truth-teller” like my new favorite author Glennon Doyle Melton as well. I don’t think I am as brave as her, so I have to find a happy medium…a balance of using my voice and sharing my experiences in hopes of helping someone else, sharing wellness information in a way that is engaging, all with the goal of “wellness” for myself and family clearly in sight.

I attended a powwow in Milwaukee, WI this past weekend and I felt very humbled when dancers and singers approached me saying they enjoyed reading my blog, or asking me how my blog is going. I was honest with one friend and told her that my blog has been hit or miss…it’s been difficult to write because of something that’s going on that I’m finding difficult to share. I decided I needed to be myself, make it real on here, in hopes that it will help someone down the road.

I have a history of depression. My history was a big part of the reason I studied psychology and social work when working on my degrees. I wanted to understand it and be able to help not only myself, but others, because depression sucks big time.

In addition to fact that depression sucks, it also has a stigma about it. I’ve learned that depression is not the result of being weak, or that I can’t handle business. It’s a result of chronic stress (physical or emotional) that can cause an imbalance of the chemicals in your brain responsible for that sense of well-being, or having what you might consider a “normal” mood or temperament. Those chemicals are called neurotransmitters. Your body likes to maintain things…keep the inner workings on an even keel (i.e. your blood pressure, blood glucose, body temp, etc.) and this phenomena is called “homeostasis”. Your body likes to be in balance and it will work to keep your systems and the chemicals that make up your systems within a certain range. Same with the chemicals called neurotransmitters. There is one called seratonin which helps regulate your mood. If these levels are too high or too low, your mood and behavior can be affected. Your body will work to keep these within a range it likes, but chronic stress, illness and other factors can cause the seratonin levels to become lower, or “depressed”. Under healthy circumstances your body may be able to bring these levels up on its own. Or you can do things that will temporarily elevate seratonin levels, such as exercise, eating nutrient dense foods, getting enough sleep, and getting sunlight to produce Vitamin D, to give your body help in raising those levels. And sometimes the seratonin levels stay depressed for so long that your body can’t bring them back up within the appropriate range on its own and it needs a medication called a SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor).

People experience and exhibit depression symptoms in many ways. Depression can either make them anxious and sleepless, or make them fatigued and sleeping all the time. It can affect your appetite…some people overeat, some lose their appetite. Some people feel like crying, some people get angry or even apathetic. Some people experience muscle tension and headaches, or aches in other parts of their body. There is no predicting where in your body the stress of depression will manifest itself. There are a variety of ways depression presents itself. And a variety of ranges. Most people think that clinical depression means you can’t get out of bed, you can’t stop crying, etc. But there is a form of depression called “dysthymia” which would be considered a low-grade depression. You are fully functioning, get out of bed every single day, hold a job, etc., but you feel like shit each and every day with no end in sight. You don’t LOOK depressed (whatever that means) and you don’t exhibit the stereotypical depressive behaviors. And then there is major depression which feels like you’ve hit rock bottom. Suicidal thoughts/ideation can occur in this condition, which is why it’s so important to let someone know and to seek help.

For me, when I was younger and going through my first bout of depression, my appetite changed where I ate junky food and didn’t feel like exercising. I slept all the time. I was moody and just didn’t feel good, felt like crying many times. As I got older and went through a bout of major depression, my symptoms changed quite a bit. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I felt like I couldn’t stop crying. I remember watching the clock in my room at 3:30am, crying, hanging on tight to a pillow and the edges of a blanket, feeling like I wanted to throw up, and just telling myself to hang on for another 5 minutes….just another 5 minutes and I’ll be ok. And I ran every day…I felt like if I didn’t run, I wouldn’t be able to breathe. Where I gained weight in an early bout of depression, I lost weight in that later bout. I didn’t want anyone to know so I just explained the unusual and sudden weight loss with “I got really sick and couldn’t eat.” Which was, in fact, the truth, it was just presented cleverly to hide what type of “sick” I was. Lol. My mom finally took me to the doctor to get help…it’s still a bit of a painful memory….I was helping her make the bed and I don’t remember exactly what I did or said…and she looked so sad and said she wanted me to see her doctor because she didn’t know how to help me. Her doctor did in fact see me and help me. I was prescribed Zoloft and I took it for several months and then I was fine. I still couldn’t sleep on that darn medicine, but at least I didn’t feel like I was losing my mind anymore.

As I have a history of depression, I’ve always tried to be mindful of it, and do what I can to prevent it when I know I am going through a challenging time. I also try not to hesitate to get help because I don’t want to go through major depression again. I always remember when my daughter was a toddler she told me one time, “Oppression hurts….but Cymbalta can help.” Lol (a commercial for a new anti-depressant). Random, I know, but somehow connected to this whole thing. About 5 years ago after I had been at my current job for almost a year, I felt myself start to slide downhill. I had to commute everyday an hour away because I had lost my 2 days of working in town as I was promised when I was first hired. I had to carpool so I had to leave earlier and arrive home later than if I drove myself. I never saw the light of day because the building I was in I never had to leave during the day. I would get home from work between 6:00-6:30pm after it was already dark outside and would get to spend exactly 2.5 hours with my babies before I had to get them to bed. It really sucked. My sleep and appetite were changing and so was my mood so I went in to see my doctor. I thought it was the lack of daylight causing my symptoms and I believed I had seasonal depression. When she told me I had dysthymia and she wanted to put me on an anti-depressant I started laughing. I told her, “Can’t you just give me a lamp (for vitamin D production) or something?” Lol…although she thought that was funny, I was given a medicine called Citalopram that I had to take for several months before tapering off of it, and once again, I became ok.

This last year has been one of the most challenging years I can remember in my relatively short lifetime. Looking back now, I think I started my downhill slide last summer as I worried about my impending surgery. I didn’t really talk to anyone about it, unless I was talking about how I was preparing for it. I didn’t want to worry anyone. And then I watched a video of a hip replacement surgery, and let me tell you don’t ever do that before major surgery. Bad idea. Very very bad. Then there was a series of stressors without much of a break to recover….my marriage hit a very tough time in October of last year, my aunt – my mom’s oldest sister passed away in November, then there was my surgery in December. Then the surgery recovery and the physical therapy in January. My mom had a heart attack in February. My beautiful oldest daughter Samantha went through a huge heartbreaking ordeal in March and she was 5 hours away from us. In April I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. It was one thing after another….with me fighting for my health and what felt like my sanity the entire time, determined to not give in to depression. I had requested something from my doctor early in the year to help with what I thought was just occasional anxiety, so she gave me prescription for Xanax. That helped somewhat…I laughed and told people that I literally had a “chill pill” as it calmed me down when my anxiety made it difficult to focus and work. But in June I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t get out of the house to leave for work on a Friday. I sat at my computer trying to do something and couldn’t stop crying. I felt like I had lost my mind. I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in months, my appetite was all out of whack, I had started SMOKING, my work was suffering, and my mood was starting to affect my kids. I felt truly broken. Everything I had tried to help myself felt like a complete failure. I felt like I was giving in….saying “uncle”….waving the white flag….when I dialed the phone to call my doctor to tell her I needed help. And I just prayed I could hang in there for the weekend until my appointment. I was diagnosed with major depression once again. I am back on an anti-depressant for 6 months and I see a counselor regularly.

On a lighter note, my meds have helped me immensely. They help to even out the really rough jagged edges. They have given me a better quality of sleep where I actually feel rested when I wake up in the morning. My emotions don’t roller-coaster as much. I can focus better. They at first made me feel kind of “out of it” at first, then I started taking them at night before I go to sleep. However, they make me a little absent-minded, and, according to my husband, they cause me to have no-filter. The most random, oddball stuff has come out of my mouth…ask anyone who knows. It’s mayhem at times, but in an odd, hilarious, good way. My motivation is returning…motivation to be active, to cook, to get things done, and to find coping mechanisms that work for me again without medication. I will be glad when I am well enough to taper off of them, hopefully in December.

Because of all of this, it’s been hard to figure out what to write about this summer…well, actually for the past year – except for my surgery and recovery. On the one hand, I don’t want to be spilling my business out there for everyone to see. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, and once again there it that stigma of depression I want to not be attached to. But on the other hand, my whole intent with this blog was to share my struggles and my victories in seeking good health, in hopes that it would help me by writing it, and possibly help others by reading it. My state of well-being has a direct impact on those closest to me. My husband has told me in the past that I have to stay strong and stay up for our little family…that if I go down, they’ll all go down with me. That I’m their backbone. And I’m learning that being a strong backbone doesn’t mean I have to do it by myself. It means finding the strength to ask for help. It means that there is no shame in seeking help in the arms and ears of your sisters and best friends…or seeking the help of a counselor…or seeking spiritual help….or seeking the assistance of a temporary medical/pharmaceutical regimen. And I am beginning to believe that it means being strong enough to share your battle story with others without the fear of an outdated stigma surrounding depression.

This is my battle and I’m doing my best in fighting it. I am not ashamed of it, not trying to front. Just trying to deal. And I am taking pride in that.